slow glowing

arbitrary dates for self-reflection

in 2008, probably the best and worst year of my young life, i:

* held my dying cat kari, the heart of my heart, my companion of more than fifteen years, while she took her last breaths.

* visited friends and family in berkeley and san francisco.

* stage managed two shows for public playhouse (moonlight and magnolias and daughters), stage managed the “made in oregon” series and the promising playwrights at jaw this summer, and was on the backstage crew for a christmas carol at portland center stage.

* finally managed to sell my car, and lived off the proceeds for awhile.

* found a well of happiness within myself (somewhere in my belly).

* fell in love.

* biked over 230 miles in three days in april, from my doorstep in portland to my parents’ house in sammamish, washington.

* biked in provence with my dad and my brother.

* made plans to spend two months in india in the fall, which were later cancelled due to the angst mentioned below and other angst related to other bike vs. car collisions. it was a rough summer, what can i say?

* got hit by a pick-up truck while riding my bike, resulting in a broken collarbone, a busted knee, some post-traumatic anxiety crap, and a whole lot of angst.

* lived in the jungle in beautiful hippied-out puna, hawaii for a month, doing work-trade for my jungle-hut accommodations, swimming in the ocean, dancing, playing, and exploring.

* appreciated the hell out of my friends and family.

* read 35 novels, seven books of short stories, a couple dozen plays, four graphic novels, one biography, one book of poetry, two travel memoirs, four books that defy categorization, and nearly 70 zines of varying length and quality. i also started reading three books that i did not finish.

at the end of 2007, i answered the question “do you have any plans for 2008?” with simply this: “the future is full of possibilities!” 2009 approaches and, well, the future is still full of possibilities. just the way i like it.

here are my resolutions/revolutions/evolutions for 2009:

some of those infinite possibilities

well, it seems to be the end of the portland “snowpocalypse” or “arctic blast” or whatever you’d like to call it. between leaving my house this morning and coming home tonight, the snow and ice mostly disappeared from the road. the sidewalks, on the other hand? still working on it. i don’t particularly like the slush. it’s dirty and wet and slippery, and it’s not safe to walk in the middle of the street anymore. the buses are on something resembling their regular schedule, at least–i still waited half an hour at one bus stop this morning, and over a half an hour at another one this evening. i could have taken another bus home, but i felt sure that as soon as i left the stop to walk to another one (further away from the theatre), the bus would come, and when i got to the other stop i’d have just missed that bus. of course. so i stood and wondered about the limits of my patience (if i’m feeling good about myself) or my laziness (if i’m not) and watched a little girl make a snow creature out of dirty chunks of melting ice. oh, that little girl was great. and the bus finally came and i’d scarcely been riding it for five minutes when who should sit down next to me but a dear friend newly arrived back in portland after a trip to see his family. dang, i love it when that happens.

two christmas eves left tomorrow, and then that’s the end of a christmas carol. i’ll have a couple weeks off before rehearsals start for my next project. in between: my hopefully-very-last orthopedist appointment with regard to my collarbone, a new year’s eve party with friends, and i’m (as far as i know) teaching a paideia course–How To Not Get Hit By Cars (on your bike):
Bikes are fuckin’ awesome, but until the day everyone else sees the light, we cyclists have to share the road with drunks and distracted nine-to-five-ers driving 3000-pound Hummers and talking on their cell phones. I got hit by a car and I don’t want it to happen to you. Come reap the benefits of my many hours of obsessing over how it could have gone differently. Topics of discussion may include basic bike safety and urban cycling skills, common collisions and how to avoid them, how to use bike infrastructure such as bike lanes safely, the helmet debate, and more. Come with questions and suggestions, or just stop by to pick up a nifty handout.

oh, also, i am planning to go to a peace corps informational session. i’ve been thinking about the peace corps a lot lately. i’m not 100% sure i want to apply, but today during my break between shows i spent awhile coming up with a list of questions and concerns that i have for myself and that other people (my parents, for example) might have for me should i actually go for it. a lot of it’s practical stuff that’s not really relevant until i actually apply, but i thought my answers to two of the questions i came up with might be interesting even out of context. certainly in the “stuff i’ve been thinking about lately” category.

1. the obvious: why?

a partial answer:
i want to explore life! i know that that can and should involve a lot more than literal physical exploration of the world, but right now, at this stage in my life, travel seems like the way to do it–the place to start, at any rate. but! i have done a lot of traveling, and i have done enough aimless place-to-place traveling. i want my travels to have some intent and meaning behind them. yes, there are ways to get that outside of the peace corps, but the peace corps also offers a “home” of sorts–one site for two years–a semi-permanent residence, a community, fulfilling work to do (ideally), etc etc. when i travel i long for home. when i’m home i long to roam!

all that plus an opportunity to explore(!) foreign places and cultures and ideas and foods and probably even climates! also, you don’t end up with way, way less money that you started with.

2. what about your burgeoning career in portland theatre?

look, especially in this economy i am pretty happy to be making something resembling a living doing something i don’t hate. something i kinda like, even. certainly i love the people i work with in theatre, and i like the idea of theatre, but i am really just not super excited by theatre lately. okay, i have been excited by stuff at jaw. and occasionally some crazy artsy shorts and things that somebody probably lost money putting on. and sojourn theatre–good was pretty amazing. okay, maybe i am just not very excited by what i’m doing. i am looking down the path i’m on and it’s a lot of taking notes on other people’s art and making lists and then saying the same words and doing the same things in the same order night after night. there are things about stage managing and production work that i like a lot, yes–but i miss the feeling i used to get when i was directing in college. and if directing is down that path… it’s a long way off. no, of course i don’t need institutional support or money to get some of my amazing talented friends together to make some art… but it sure would make it a lot easier.

yeah maybe i just need to make some of that art, by hook or by crook. maybe i need to shake up my life to make that happen. or maybe i need a chance to miss theatre. or to bring theatre in some aspect to a new audience. i don’t know.

in any case, it’s not like i actually have a steady job. and i think that many of the contacts i’ve made would still be here when i got back, if i were interested in picking up where i left off. or it might be an opportunity to start again in a slightly or completely different direction.

i don’t think that joining the peace corps (or whatever) is the only answer to this dilemma (or whatever it is), by any means. but it might be one answer. a pretty freakin’ exciting one. i am pretty happy with my life as it is right now, really. but i’ve got that itch to explore. you know?

here’s some photos from the my happy life at the theatre–

the green room:

one of the costume guys has been getting everyone to make snowflakes and taping them up in the women’s quick-change area (actually the inside of the freight elevator). pretty awesome:

adventures in commuting (or, omg snow!)

this morning i woke up before my alarm went off, looked out my window and giggled hysterically at the snow already settled and still falling in my backyard. oh my gosh! real snow in portland is a rare thing and very very exciting. so exciting, in fact, that i made an abrupt decision to bike to the theatre today. yeah i’ve been muttering for days about not wanting to ride in the rain, but snow is another thing altogether! i’d never biked in the snow before and i ride a skinny-tired road bike, so i gave myself over an hour and a half for a trip that usually takes me about 45 minutes. put on two pairs of socks, my rain pants and my ski jacket, and set hesitantly off.

i had a great time! snow turned to ice underneath my fenders and between my brakes and wheels, and i walked on the downhill sections ’cause i didn’t trust my brakes, but for the most part i did just fine. portland doesn’t know what the heck to do with snow, really, and even major arterial roads aren’t salted or plowed or anything like that, which just meant i didn’t have to deal with too many cars. i mostly rode in car tire tracks to avoid the aforementioned fender problem as much as possible. it’ll be back to raining in no time, i’m sure, or i would’ve dug out my multitool and pulled the darn things off.

(ladd circle, which looks a bit like the edge of narnia in the snow, doesn’t it?)

(the hawthorne bridge from waterfront park)

(waterfront park)

i got to the theatre not late but not really early, either, which i chalk up more to how many times i stopped to take photos and leisurely gawk than to the snow itself actually slowing me down.

and of course the show must go on, as they say! two performances today. during our dinner break in between, we walked to three different restaurants and a grocery store and found them all closed ’cause of the weather before we gave up and ate at the noodle place across the street from the theatre. then that place closed, too. oh portland.

getting home was at least as much of an adventure as getting there. the snow on the streets was pretty thoroughly packed into ice and biking on that (and at night!) was out of the question for me. i left my bike at the theatre. when i called trimet’s “transit tracker” line about the first of two buses i usually take home when i take the bus, they weren’t even giving estimated arrival times but were instead announcing the actual distance between the stop and the bus. when i called, the bus was more than 17 miles away. i didn’t think the end of the whole freakin’ route was that far away.

so i started walking. walking all the way home in the snow (seven miles or so) actually sounded pretty exciting, so when i got to another stop, at which a different bus that could take me partway home was due in twenty minutes or so, i decided to keep walking.

i made it across the hawthorne bridge before i got too cold. and then i got on a bus (the same one that i would’ve been on had i stopped at the second bus stop downtown–but the walk was worth it!). rode it east for a bit. got off again. called for arrival times for the next bus i had to take. “seventy-eight minutes,” the automated voice told me. i laughed aloud. started walking. giggled to myself a lot and tried not to slip on the icy sidewalks.

i was actually kind of disappointed when i glanced behind me and saw the bus approaching a mere fifteen or twenty minutes later, but that didn’t stop me running to catch it at the next stop.

made it home, cold, tired and happy, only about an hour and a half after i’d left the theatre.