24 Oct 2010, 11:15pm
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exactly where i’m from

how to say what there is to say (maybe): on the eve of my future, i am traveling through my past.

i have been feeling so laidback lately. in the travel groove, just riding the ride i laid out for myself back in kansas when i bought my tickets. when i am in motion these days–when i get on a bus or a train–i feel so calm and happy. i could keep going forever, i think. whatever comes will come. i know that at some point i will need to have opinions again, but here in limbo–and oh my life sure is in limbo right now; it’s hangin’ between two (or many) precipices like a cozy hammock in which i am happily bundled–i am just enjoying the ride.

so i stared out the window until my eyes closed and then i fell asleep and then i dreamed who-knows-what and when i woke up i remembered that right now on this part of the journey i am not going anywhere i haven’t been before. yesterday, on a bus to the city i was born in, i woke up with sweet intention.

i have been doing a lot of listening and a little talking. about other people’s pasts and my future. not my stories to tell, but oh there are big important things in the world. and little important things. and beautiful things of all sizes.

pieces–

philadelphia:
where my mom spent the first seventeen years of her life.
a new/not-so-new friend cut my hair on the roof of a house in west philly in which she has invested herself. pieces of me blew away.

new york city:
where everyone knows someone who knows someone who can help you do what you want to do. if you want.
conversation and cupcakes with one of my mom’s oldest friends.
my friends learning and having adventures and making decisions.

upstate new york:
i learned not to throw rocks in the fire.
i ran around in the woods with my four-year-old cousin julie, fearless barefoot climber of trees and rocks and jungle gyms.
watched the negative space; listened for it, too. art in its environment. the words between the words.

boston:
staying with my oldest friend. we were best buds at age six. her hug is the best hug. i feel so lucky that we can still laugh together. five years ago she invited me to come with her to cambodia for a summer. i finally told her last night that i really regret turning down that peculiar travel suggestion/dancing lesson. but that decision feels like another one of those places i’ve come from–i am more adventurous now.

more to come.

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in upstate ny–opus 40:

julie:

You forgot to mention that you spent time with my sister–who has known me longer than I have known myself.

Love you,
Mom

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