20 Dec 2009, 4:25pm

still, part 2

i thought about writing my story down here. i mean about my “accident” and all of that, like i talked about in my last post. but i’m not sure what to write down. there’s also everything that came before and everything that came after. in the broadest strokes, like this:

i was a kid.
i ran around in the woods with my brother.
i went sledding in the winter down the hill next to our house.
i learned to swim.
we had cats.
sometimes our cats died or disappeared.
we had gypsy moths.
we moved across the country.
we moved a lot.
i learned to read.
i went to six different schools before high school.
i ran around in the woods with my friends.
i got a kitten and named her kari.
we got a dog.
i got braces.
i got braces, again.
i read a lot.
i wondered about god.
i thought i’d be a veterinarian.
i thought i’d be a writer.
i went to boarding school not very far away from home.
i spent a lot of time on the internet.
i spent a lot of time thinking about love.
i met a girl and fell in love.
i spent a lot of time in my school’s theatre.
i dreamed about paris.
i went to paris by myself and was lonely.
i graduated from high school.
i went to college a little bit further away from home.
whatever “home” meant. i wasn’t sure.
when i went home, mom and i ate tangerines by the dozen over the kitchen sink.
i fell in love again, with a boy.
my heart broke.
i made wonderful friends.
i lived in a co-op.
i fell in love a lot.
i wrote papers and drank coffee and made plays.
we drove to the ocean in the middle of the night.
i hurt people and was hurt.
i thought about being crazy.
i thought i was crazy.
i graduated from college.
i struggled.
i sold my car and got an awesome bike and rode it everywhere.
i went to europe by myself and was lonely.
kari died and i was enormously sad.
i was sane.*
i fell in love again.
i rode my bike from home to home.
i still didn’t know what “home” meant.
i got hit by a car.
i hurt and was hurt.
i went to hawaii and was not lonely.
we stayed in love.
i sort of figured out what i meant by “home.”
i kept riding my bike.
i grew plants.
i kept going.

so what is getting hit by a car?

* i wrote this in march 2008:
it’s always clear and beautiful and calm at night and rain rain rain all day. walking home from the pub tonight, singing aloud and smiling to myself, pondering this unquenchable whatever lately… i feel this self-presence that i have never had before. i can’t describe it as balance or an even keel, but those are getting at what i mean. i have been trying for however many sentences now to explain that walking home tonight, i realized that all i feel is… sane. that is what has changed since i graduated. i can still feel sad and lonely and alone, but i know that in my belly somewhere there is me and there is joy in that, real joy. am i making any sense? doesn’t matter. i’m so okay i can’t even tell you. my goodness.
it is still there, and i am okay.

I like this one. It’s easy to get focused on the stumbling blocks, I know I am this week like crazy, but they’re all a part of the path. We’ve just got to keep moving forward. Also, we should get together. It’s not the crazy time of year for me anymore.

we should!! i helped ms. sarah louise move into her new apartment in nw today and we were saying that the three of us should get together. miss you lately, there’s lots of stuff i would love to talk to you about.

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