3 Oct 2009, 12:38pm
1 comment

muddling along

working full-time is getting me down, sorta. i feel energized from my bike ride into work and then i sit down in front of my computer at work and i feel sort of like jello. i will wiggle for awhile if poked, and then settle into lethargic, unfocused stillness. (i do get my work done, mom.) i get home and i write “lazy” or “fatigued” in my planner and i sit on the couch and pet my cat instead of doing the dishes or making myself something reasonable for dinner.

i am trying this thing where i write down my mood every day, ’cause i want to see how it changes with my cycle. i’m only on day four of this, though, so maybe the “lazy” thing isn’t chronic. but dang. the opera is almost over–the last show is tomorrow night. the kids are good kids. a lot of them have been drawing mandalas. i love it! much cooler than watching them play with their ubiquitous hannah-montana-themed handheld gaming devices, even if it is funny to see them doing so while wearing fin-de-siècle outfits.

a. and i rented a dvd of la bohème a few nights ago ’cause i’d only read a plot synopsis, and from backstage i really have no idea what’s going on, so i wanted to see it. the music really is beautiful, but a. and i both commented that it’s pretty telling, maybe, that what’s considered pretty much the highest art form of our culture features characters with the approximate emotional maturity of sixteen-year-olds. i mean, really. bell hooks is right that too many of us do not know how to love. love is a practice… just like meditation, yoga, writing, theatre… practice practice practice. (and permaculture? probably.)

anyway, who was i kidding when i said a couple months ago that i was taking a break from theatre? i just agreed to a gig (non-paying even!) as a board op for a show in november. it’s for a company i have heard nothing but awesome things about, and the stage manager is a cool guy i worked with a couple years ago during the jaw festival. i am illogically surprised that my theatre career didn’t just slip away when i stopped “making an effort”–i guess it is more like a forest than a garden. i have done the initial sowing. i am delighted with the hardiness of the connections i have made.

i also might be teaching a week-long theatre workshop for tiny french-speaking children at the school a. teaches at… maybe?? i am not sure this will pan out. i am excited and terrified about it. uh, tiny children. uh, teaching!! i have no idea where i would begin.

um, in conclusion–i am thinking about reducing my hours at work. ’cause i miss my friends. i want to nurture those relationships more. one of my best friends from high school moved to portland last month (!) and i have seen her, like, twice since she got here. for example.

life just feels funny lately. there is the world we are living in, which is falling apart. it is the house of cards; we are the liquored breath. i am just full of ridiculous metaphors today. i mean, there is this world full of problems i am desperate to tackle, somehow, but i feel like (here comes another one) st. george against the dragon, with, instead of an actual sword, a painting by magritte of a sword. oh, and no god, either. not that one, anyway. and also i am not as brave as st. george.

and then there is the world in which i don’t want to reduce my hours because then i would have less money to spend on things like, i don’t know, pretty dresses? and going out to dance to 80s music with my friends? girls just wanna have fun, ok. i like pretty dresses, ok. if i can’t dance, i don’t want to be part of your apocalypse. hah, hah. i am struggling a little bit with all of everything, that’s all. it’s huge, that’s all.

as part of the permaculture course i’m taking, we all have to do a group permaculture design project outside of class. part of our homework for this month is to propose ideas for projects. we’re encouraged to lean away from choosing just physical sites/places and towards choosing “practices” (omg, word of the year huh?). they will not actually be implemented as part of the course, but in the past they often have been and they do have to be implementable, with a “client” and everything. during our last class, when toby was talking about the projects that people have done in the past, and projects that we might do, he said something like “a lot of you are theatre and performance art people, i think it would be really cool if someone did a theatre project.” now, i’m not even sure what that would mean or look like–a performance of some sort? a business plan for a theatre company?–but i was thinking about how i’ve been avoiding thinking about it, and i realized i don’t want to do it ’cause if i did it i would have to do it. and no way, i can’t commit to that! and then i realized, i am having some problems with commitment. to anything. which means i feel like i’m muddling along sort of ok with how things are going and sort of… not.

well, self, be here now, trust that you will work things out. that you are where you need to be. ok. and think about that permaculture theatre thing. ’cause that could be really cool.

6 Oct 2009, 6:14am
by Landon

Don’t worry about teaching kids. It’s fun and rewarding (most of the time). [Wow, can you imagine me saying that two years ago?] Just remember that it is far more productive to trick kids into doing what you want rather than trying to do it though sheer force of will.



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