19 Mar 2009, 5:30pm
1 comment

oh my


okay, so i spoke too soon about the nice weather and the Spring Glorious Spring and all that. well, spring in the pnw is like a box of chocolates… but, hey, generally sweet. today was sorta nice, weather-wise, anyway.

yesterday was Not My Day but it ended up all right. ended well, in fact, with delicious home-cooked food and good people and plum wine. it took a lot of stupid little things all piled up on top of each other before the day really got to me and i was swearing and stamping my feet, etc. it was all shit i couldn’t do anything about just then, except accept it, work around it, move on… and i KNEW that, but it still took awhile for that frustration to slip away. it fuckin’ sticks to ya.

i’ve been meaning to write for days and days. feeling busy all the time. not really busy all the time. just stuff. and more stuff. yeah, i think it’s the clutter.


it’s the time of year when (i gather) i should be looking for gigs for next (theatre) season, or even a full-season job, but… i’m not feelin’ it. i wonder what it’s like to know at any given moment what the future really holds? i mean, to be sure about it? i guess i’ve signed a year lease two years in a row. i guess that’s a kind of self-sabotage. good or bad. right now i have no surety at all. feels good and bad.

finishing up with this gig in just a few more days. i’ve been stage managing a show for a children’s theatre, which i’m not gonna link to here ’cause i swear on this blog. the actors in the show are mostly adults (and one sixteen-year-old), but most of the performances (of which there are twelve each week… maybe i am kind of busy) are on weekday mornings, for school groups, usually elementary school kids. way more of them in the audience than there are adults. and oh my gosh, i love them. they are the greatest audiences ever. so engaged, so eager to make noise and respond, gasp, cheer, sing, whatever. they react so genuinely and seem to realize so quickly and naturally that they are in the same space as the stage, sharing it with real people–that it’s not a movie or whatever (though sometimes i here them referring to it as such in the preshow chatter).

you can tell when the kids have gotten some kind of lecture from their teachers about theatre etiquette before the show, ’cause they’re so much more quiet and boring, and i nod off over my prompt book as a result (not really. i am a responsible, alert sm. no, really). i felt a little funny about it when i realized that, because i have definitely gone off about the importance of theatre etiquette in the past… but the people i was talking about then were people who were so horribly disengaged from the show that they would get up and walk in front of the audience, turn around and take cell phone photos of me in the booth, whatever, etc etc. the problem is not too much engagement. the problem is disengagement. we want engaged audiences! would that all audiences were like these children!


i have been wanting to write (in appropriately vague terms) about the past month since the end of that particular Waiting Time. the not-cryptic story, by the way, is (in a couple long run-on sentences) that my boyfriend and i both got hit by cars last summer (four weeks apart), it sucked, we were both kind of traumatized and anxious and not exactly communicating well, we fought a lot, we broke up, he went to india and nepal for five months, i was supposed to join him for two months but i cancelled my ticket and went to hawaii instead. the day & night before he left, we met for lunch and had one of those bittersweet movie ending kind of times. so we kept talking while he was gone, which meant we kept fighting, which meant we kept talking, and talking and talking and talking, and eventually we started forgiving. and then, five months later, he came home. and everything is easier said than done.

want to write: about raising my voice in a coffeeshop to declare “but i’m not a buddhist!”, about lots of other things that aren’t as easily succinctly and amusingly described, about identifying the good versus bad kinds of self-sabotage, about fantasy versus reality, about craving solitude…

from a journal entry written a week or so ago:
“it is fear… if i can keep real human companionship and communication in the realm of fantasy, it’s something that doesn’t require any work or commitment or messy mundanity.”

there’s a lot of good stuff, too. and the more we do it, the more the working through stuff is the good stuff, too.

i keep saying “we’ll see.” about this, about everything. not sure if it’s a healthy way of accepting an uncertain future, or an unhealthy indication of passivity and inaction. well… we’ll see?

Twelve shows a week?!!!!

I have only eight (or nine when we have student matinees) with TheatreWorks and it’s plenty!



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