21 Mar 2009, 12:04am
2 comments

baggage

it’s late and past my bedtime and i’m falling asleep sitting up, but i want to write a little bit. anyway, today was my last 6:30am wake-up for awhile. i mean, for a week and a half. then i’m going to meditate silently for ten days and wake up at some completely ridiculous hour every morning, like 4:30am. it should be interesting. before i go (with a.) my mom thinks i should read my stroke of insight and a. thinks i should read the doors of perception. hah. i will try to read both.

anyway, fuck, what a day. the very first thing i did this morning was stumble across the room towards my alarm clock and step on the neck of my ukulele. snapping it in two. it is an ex-ukulele. ooooh, i was soooo mad at myself. all my shit strewn across my floor, even the shit i care about, because i have too much shit that i don’t care about. a., who bought it for me for my birthday last summer, says, well, it didn’t have great intonation anyway. i think i am going to sell my guitar-i-never-play (it was an 11th birthday present and i still only know a couple chords–it has steel strings and high action and is freakin’ hard to play ok?) and maybe some other stuff for a replace-my-uke fund. and, goddamnit, i am going to get rid of some stuff. seriously.

took some deep breaths, ate some breakfast, thought about getting rid of stuff, and left on my bike for the theatre. lovely and warm these days. hardly mind the drizzle. an hour after sunrise and i’ve got my lights on just in case, riding down clinton street around 36th or so, taking the lane ’cause there’s no traffic. clinton street is a bike boulevard, so there’s mini traffic circles to (theoretically) keep speeding traffic off of it, but few stop signs. just ahead of me, a huge semi-truck on a perpendicular street pulls up a stop sign at an intersection with clinton, on the right. it slows, almost to a stop… i have the right of way so i continue… the truck speeds up again and pulls into the intersection. i brake, swerve, scream bloody murder. he sees me and brakes, too. i pedal past him, really shaken up, halfway to sobbing, pull up at the sidewalk and dismount. he’s yelling out the window, “i didn’t see you!”

and i’m sobbing and swearing left and right at him: “you’re driving a fucking huge ass fucking truck! you have to fucking watch where the fuck you’re going! there was a fucking stop sign!”

“i’m sorry,” he says, “i didn’t see you!”

“you asshole!” i yell, and he drives on.

yeah, way to engage drivers in productive conversation, stacia. i dunno. i wonder when i will stop feeling this way after every close call. i rode the bus the rest of the way downtown. i sat on the bus and stared out the window and i thought, i know how i am going to die. (in that moment i was pretty sure.) and then i thought, i guess there are two ways to react to that knowledge. one, i can stop biking or leave the city. two, i can work to make biking safer and drivers more aware. one of these is obviously the healthy, productive answer. but it’s easier said than done, and sometimes i just feel so overwhelmed by anger, frustration, and FEAR FEAR FEAR.

then there was some minor chaos at work, but it was kind of welcome–nice to have some problems to solve. better than dwelling. yeah, the day got better. this evening i went to a jason webley show in reed’s chapel. i have been to other jason webley shows in the chapel. i have been to other people’s shows in the chapel, i have meditated in the chapel, i have performed in the chapel, i have stayed up all night writing inane plays in the chapel, i have cried in the chapel, i have given cookies to crushes in the chapel, i have wildly applauded my friends in the chapel, i have probably fallen asleep in the chapel. tonight it was nice to be in that space and feel all of those memories around me. (i do not need sentimental knicknacks or physical emotional baggage to prove these things. these memories are powerful all on their own.)

here is a video of jason webley singing one of my favorite songs of his, “dance while the sky crashes down” (which he sang tonight)–

and here are some lyrics from another song of his that i love, “last song”–

and we say that the world isn’t dying.
and we pray that the world isn’t dying.
and just maybe the world isn’t dying…
maybe she’s heavy with child.

gonna see him in a couple weekends. heeeell yeah.

21 Mar 2009, 2:59pm
by lauraliz


doors of perception is a really quick read. the lama that blessed me to start practicing my form of meditation actually wrote his college dissertation on that little book!

i can’t even imagine a semi truck on clinton. sort of a fat-guy-in-a-little-coat situation.

the only thing i remember from driver’s ed class in high school was the day that they brought a semi truck into our school parking lot. they parked cars all the way around it and had each of us get into the semi to see how many of the cars we could see. in the driver’s seat of a semi, you can’t see ANYTHING. that is why i am scared to be anywhere near them on the road. in a car you’re invisible to them, let alone on a bike. scary stuff. i’m glad you’re okay.

nice to see you at farmer’s market today :)

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