29 Oct 2008, 8:01pm
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the universe keeps giving me these beautiful affectionate punches in the face, like: well you’re healing; heal this too!

today after i finished my work trade i lounged around the barn for awhile, reading, working on my mandala, feeling antsy… so i asked a new friend of mine here if he would be down for going to the beach. the first people we hitched a ride with gave us a big cardboard box full of bananas from their property that they didn’t want or need. just ’cause. hawaii’s gifts.

we went to a little rocky beach off the red road between mackenzie park and kehena. tide pools, cliffs, jungle, shells for the finding, all the usual treasures. only two other people are there… we offer them bananas… and one of them… i swear to god… could it be? no way. he doesn’t want a banana and i’ve already begun to walk away when the adrenaline hits–the adrenaline that has never failed in over four years to strike when i see him unexpectedly. no way. i swear it’s him–this person with whom i had an unhealthy, obsessive love affair when i was eighteen years old, who broke my heart and haunted my dreams and occasionally my waking life for years after it was over. it seems improbable, and yet–if we’re going to meet anywhere, it may as well be this tiny beach in puna, right? he’s kind of a wanderer and it doesn’t seem totally impossible.

i wade in the tide pools and chase nervous fish, i climb up the cliffs, i talk to my friend, i sit on my sarong and pick up pieces of dead white coral. i sneak double takes. he’s lying on the beach with a girl and i would hate to interrupt anything. but i would bet on it. this is crazy. i make this message, figuring well hey a little strange poetry art if nothing else:

we’re at the beach for at least an hour or two and nothing changes. finally the sun is starting to set and we want to be on our way before dark. as we leave, he’s walking across the beach. i look at him again and then start to walk past him. finally i turn to him and say, “excuse me, um, is your name _____?”

“uh, no, i’m _____,” he says.

“oh, sorry, it’s just you look so much like someone i used to know.” i walk up to him and stick out my hand. he takes it. “hi, i’m stacia. thanks for, uh, letting me… untangle my brain,” i say, illustrating my words with vague gestures above my head. i’m laughing. my friend is laughing. i walk the wrong way and totally miss the path back to the road. i laugh harder.

i think i am proud of myself for asking his name. for not letting him be the same ghostly presence in my life that my ex-lover was for so long. but who knows. the universe’s lessons unfold slowly. i am so glad to be able to open myself to these things. hawaii’s lessons are not all about hawaii, you know? last night i got a long-distance phone call from nepal. ohhh. so.

my arms can hold me up again.

life’s a trip.



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