seriously ridiculous
what a great day! what a series of great days! mahalo… thank you pele.
a couple days ago i painted a little sign for one of the gardens to label some bean plants. then i was asked to paint some new signs to label the various recycling bins, and next thing i know me and another girl here are being asked to design and paint the floor for the mai’a (banana) cabana, a new accommodation on the property. we started this morning and we’re both having such a good time doing it. and this pleasure is what’s letting me stay here for free!? (pictures when it’s done, probably!)
this afternoon’s adventures took us up to the hamakua coast north of hilo. we stopped on the way at this place called baker tom’s, where we met tom himself, a crazy dude who makes delicious malasadas and who discounted my lilikoi malasada (delicious!) i think because i have pink hair. and/or ’cause he thought i was kama’aina (local/native). i guess i’m getting a tan! i have heard a lot of people say that when you come to the island, pele either accepts you or she spits you back out. i have rarely felt so welcomed and embraced; thank you thank you pele…
we went to this amazing freshwater swimming hole in a place called ninole. it’s hidden under a bridge along a quiet road and really the most wonderful unexpected place!
i didn’t jump off that ledge, no. my excuse? well, remember that picture from yesterday of me hanging by my arms from a tree branch? today, much to my frustrated surprise, my collarbone was displeased with me. still–pretty bad excuse. instead:
smaller ledge! and the two of us promised to jump WHEN we go back before i leave. i know i know we will (go back) and we will (jump!).
scrabbling up and over rocks. so much fun.
the rain chased us under the bridge for awhile:
along a road near the swimming hole was this seriously awesome tree (i love how that phrase means pretty much the same thing as “ridiculously awesome tree”–this is indicative of something, folks), a rainbow eucalyptus:
and then green tea and japanese food in hilo…
i spent the whole ride home thinking thank you thank you there is so much beauty… i am almost afraid that i will just stop feeling this way when i get home to portland. but i guess if that’s how it is, then, well, i know what to do. but i think that if i approach portland with the same freshness and openness with which i arrived here, i will be just fine–much, much more than fine. it will be harder there, because i think i know the way things are there, and things and people there think they know the way i am. it is hard to allow the things and people we love to be more than and better than and changed from what we know of them. i will try. and i will try to be more and better and allow myself the changes i need, whatever that may mean–the things i can’t even imagine yet…
love & aloha,
sweetness & light,
take care & give care,
stacia
forgiveness
the universe keeps giving me these beautiful affectionate punches in the face, like: well you’re healing; heal this too!
today after i finished my work trade i lounged around the barn for awhile, reading, working on my mandala, feeling antsy… so i asked a new friend of mine here if he would be down for going to the beach. the first people we hitched a ride with gave us a big cardboard box full of bananas from their property that they didn’t want or need. just ’cause. hawaii’s gifts.
we went to a little rocky beach off the red road between mackenzie park and kehena. tide pools, cliffs, jungle, shells for the finding, all the usual treasures. only two other people are there… we offer them bananas… and one of them… i swear to god… could it be? no way. he doesn’t want a banana and i’ve already begun to walk away when the adrenaline hits–the adrenaline that has never failed in over four years to strike when i see him unexpectedly. no way. i swear it’s him–this person with whom i had an unhealthy, obsessive love affair when i was eighteen years old, who broke my heart and haunted my dreams and occasionally my waking life for years after it was over. it seems improbable, and yet–if we’re going to meet anywhere, it may as well be this tiny beach in puna, right? he’s kind of a wanderer and it doesn’t seem totally impossible.
i wade in the tide pools and chase nervous fish, i climb up the cliffs, i talk to my friend, i sit on my sarong and pick up pieces of dead white coral. i sneak double takes. he’s lying on the beach with a girl and i would hate to interrupt anything. but i would bet on it. this is crazy. i make this message, figuring well hey a little strange poetry art if nothing else:
we’re at the beach for at least an hour or two and nothing changes. finally the sun is starting to set and we want to be on our way before dark. as we leave, he’s walking across the beach. i look at him again and then start to walk past him. finally i turn to him and say, “excuse me, um, is your name _____?”
“uh, no, i’m _____,” he says.
“oh, sorry, it’s just you look so much like someone i used to know.” i walk up to him and stick out my hand. he takes it. “hi, i’m stacia. thanks for, uh, letting me… untangle my brain,” i say, illustrating my words with vague gestures above my head. i’m laughing. my friend is laughing. i walk the wrong way and totally miss the path back to the road. i laugh harder.
i think i am proud of myself for asking his name. for not letting him be the same ghostly presence in my life that my ex-lover was for so long. but who knows. the universe’s lessons unfold slowly. i am so glad to be able to open myself to these things. hawaii’s lessons are not all about hawaii, you know? last night i got a long-distance phone call from nepal. ohhh. so.
my arms can hold me up again.
life’s a trip.
sweetness & light
the place i’m sleeping right now, ocean view, is pretty much the most beautiful place on the property during the day time. at night, though, the narrow path up the hill and the thick jungle behind it are, well, just creepy enough to make me pretty eager to hop into bed and get the covers wrapped securely around me (bogey monsters are totally defeated by cotton). last night i woke up in the dark of the night because something was scrabbling around on the roof (made of bamboo supports and a couple tarps). i lay awake for what seemed like forever listening to whatever it was. one of the cats? a mongoose? or a GIANT CENTIPEDE?? unlikely, my logical mind patiently explained… and eventually i fell back asleep and woke up shortly after sunrise in the most beautiful place again.
yesterday we got a ride into town from a guy who was listening to some kind of tape or radio program about the history and importance of the apple in early pioneer america. the narrator went on a tangent about sweetness, and how it used to be a big virtue–sweetness and light. how it’s only in more recent history that sweetness has become, well, somewhat saccharine.
hawaii is sweet, my friends. my life, the synthesis of my experiences, my increasing self-awareness and awareness of the communities around me: all sweet. fuckin’ sweet!
today i started a new mandala–in full color.
this is midnight, one of two cats around here:
